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The Gift. [24 Nov 2006|03:46pm]
"Time is your most precious gift because you only have a set amount of it. You can make more money, but you can't make more time. When you give someone your time, you are giving them a portion of your life that you'll never get back. Your time is your life. That is why the greatest gift you can give someone is your time."
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Be Bold. [09 Oct 2006|12:30pm]
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
seemed like they're well off almost all of their lives
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
life is easier in america when the government can help its people through welfare.. sometimes i wish that rich ppl can see the world out of their world
Friend says:
i guess
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
because like when we live one way all of our lives
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
we have a single directional mind
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
like we fail to see things from other points of view
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
it's only until we explore other parts of the world, get into people's lives or get to know other people other than "our own people"
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
then we begin to learn
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
and do more
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
so ..sometimes when people feel that their lives are boring..it's a sign that they need to be open to other options
Friend says:
hmmm..
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
other than what they have now
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
and learn to live more and do more
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
and it doens't mean that they have to do more..it just means that they have failed to see things in other poitns of view
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
so they need to be more open minded
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
like........ we only have one life that ends in death anyway.. and death will come no matter what..so we have nothing to lose
[ tif ] the best things in life are free says:
haha
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The Smell of Incense [29 Dec 2005|05:34am]
[ mood | cheerful ]
[ music | boiling water in a potful of potatoes ]

Every morning, at 4.30 am to be exact, my grandma would wake up from her sleep, washes up and does her daily morning routines of activities. I find it fascinating observing AhMah's activities. She would limp slowly to the kitchen, prepare the food she is going to cook after she does her morning exercises and prayers. My grandma is 73 years old. Her knees start to give away on her as she would sometimes bend down to hit them for a minute or two before she would continue to walk again. Like many people of her generation, she is old-fashioned and traditional in many of her ways. As a blooming young adult *cough* I would sometimes disagree with her world views. However, lately I have been agreeing with her in a lot of things.

I know what it means.
I have grown to see the world beyond myself.

As the smell of incense begins to fill the room, I feel so refreshed and awakened by the fact that one day, I am going to miss this moment. I love the scent that I once used to hate. I felt it was more difficult to breathe whenever my family burn joss sticks. Now, I am beginning to appreciate its scent. My grandma, like all of the other family members in my family is a very hardworking woman. Even at her ripe age, she still cooks for the family and cleans every day. Sometimes I wonder how she gets the strength to continue to go on. My mother, my uncle. I know that my grandma prays for their well-being, every day, at 5 am. Even for me.. she will never leave me out of her thoughts.

The smell of incense reminds me of many things. My childhood, the people who care for me. I realize that there are people out there who care for me despite my faults, imperfections and flaws. There are people out there who will think of me in their busiest days, and when they see my favorite things. I thought of my father. I thought of my friends who called and sent me emails and cards on Christmas even when I did not do anything. To love someone is to still care despite the imperfections. I love my father and my father loves my family. Although my father made many mistakes in the past, he still cares for AhMah and my family. He still visits AhMah every day in Indonesia. He still cares for her like she is his own mother, and not just his mother-in-law. My parents have been separated since I was 13. It has been difficult for me to accept my father as someone who was once a significant part of my life. But today, I finally realize that I could talk about him without breaking down. I finally realize that I love my father despite his imperfections. He is part of my family.

My family is pretty big. We yell. We quarrel. We criticize each other. I was not able to accept all of it. I used to hate the fact that they poked fun of my height, and little things like that. But I finally see that they appreciate me for my beliefs. They support my decision of becoming a vegetarian and pursuing my dream of becoming a doctor. They support my sister's artistic endeavour. I am very grateful of my family. I am inspired to be hardworking.

The smell of incense uncovered a thought. "We lead difficult lives," AhMah said. I told her how difficult it was for me to pursue my dream. She said, "If you really want it, you will get it." I know many people have told me that, but it's just not that simple. And sometimes when I tell her certain things, she said, "AhKong (grandpa) always say, "the only good people are the ones in the graves. They are all dead."" It's kinda a disappointing thought... and I really do want to prove AhKong wrong -- that if I could be good, then there is one good person and he would be wrong.

The smell of incense reminds me that it is a brand new day.
There is a brand new beginning, to try to do what is the best for everyone.
To live, to enjoy.

My grandma is jogging around the apartment now.
She is so cute

Take care, world!

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It's just that... [25 Oct 2005|12:34am]
It's just that I have way too much to do and I don't know what to do with my life.
I mean, it's just that I really have no future plans. Everything is NOT the way I planned it to be and the timing is all messed up.
It's just that... I really wish life would be kind to me.
It's just that... I wish that I don't have to grow up too fast.
It's just that... I am really scared of being alone.
.... and that tomorrow is midterm day for Cell Bio and I have Public Health Microbio midterm on Thursday and a paper due on Friday and an outline due on Thursday.
It's just that sometimes I feel that everything comes at once and I am just... overwhelmed.
It's just that... this is my life.
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Yeah, because I don't think they'd understand. [21 Jun 2005|07:37pm]
[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | Iris by Goo Goo Dolls ]

sometimes, you can be friends with some people for years.
you even considered them to be your best friends, or at least, your close friends.
you think you know them well enough about certain things.
then you realize that you never really know them...
...until certain incidents happen that put their characters and your character into test.

then you realize....
that you don't know them at all.
you don't know what they hide behind those smiles.
you don't know their greatest fears, deepest sorrows and joy.

but within that one moment, everything is revealed.

then you begin to think.
you can never really know anyone.
no matter how long you've known them.

you feel so helpless.
it's like suddenly your principles are being challenged.
there are certain things that have to happen in life... that will make you completely lose yourself.
at that point, then you believe that to have faith in a constant being in this everchanging world is essential.
because to have faith in changing beings without harming oneself may even be an impossible task.
then you realize that all these while, you haven't been running to God when all else fails. You still continue to run to the changing beings, the very beings who failed you at the first place.

Sure.
The world is not how I expected it to be.
I have been believing in things that this world may not be able to fulfill.
...that the people in this world cannot fulfill.
I don't know where I go from here.

One thing I know is that what happened, happened.
The past is behind me.
Time is passing by as I continue to find peace in God.



"And I don't want the world to see me
Cause I don't think that they'd understand
When everything's made to be broken
I just want you to know who I am

And you can't fight the tears that ain't coming
Or the moment of truth in your lies
When everything seems like the movies
Yeah you bleed just to know your alive"

~Goo Goo Dolls~

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the real me is a bitch [16 Jun 2005|04:02am]
[ mood | apathetic ]

I guess I am what they call a bitch.
You know, I give tough love.
That's how I am.
I am so much of a perfectionist with high expectations that I am being so hard on myself and also the people around me.
I want everyone to live up to their maximum potential.
I push them towards it, just like I am pushing myself.
Not everyone understands the reason why I am this way.
I guess, many times I hurt the people I care the most....
...because I expect more from the people closest to me.

I guess, in analogy, I am like a cactus.
The more you get closer to me, the more you are pricked.
Unless you know how to work around the thorns, you will get hurt.
You may even die.
Is it my fault that I am a cactus?

I guess, I don't realize it.
I never realized that I am this way... until today.
I know that people tell me that I am being too hard on myself.
You know, like I tell myself to endure the things that I don't like.. and things like that.
That's how I am.
.... but not everyone is like me.

The more I care for people, the more I hurt them.
I don't want to hurt people anymore.
This is why I cannot ever get close to anyone.
Seriously, don't ever get to know me unless you want to be drilled and pricked.

I wasn't like this.
When I was younger, I was more carefree.
I don't think about ambitions and the world as much.
I don't think about the things that mattered in life.
Friends, family... love.
but now, I do.
In dealing with the things that I care about, I am harsh.

I would like to apologize to my friends, especially to those I have hurt.
You are not me, but many times I forget that you are not me.
There is a reason why there are certain things about myself that I don't expect people to understand.... but this isn't one of them.

People think I am irrational because I don't explain myself.
All they see of me is just some mood swings.
I'm a private person.
Sometimes, I like to be by myself and when I do, I don't tell people about it.
I just tune myself out from the world.
I don't talk as much... and people think I am sad.
Maybe I am, maybe I am not.
...but all I wanted is to be alone.

*

You know what the scary part is?
I am turning into my mother.
tough love.
That was how she raised me.
She drilled me, because she loved me.
She criticized me, even when it hurt.
That's why, I can take criticism.

...but I can't do this to people.
...not everyone is me.
...they could get badly hurt.

So, from now on.
Please understand that I have to tune out from this world.
I don't care if you think I'm fake.
I don't want to hurt you.
...because the real me is a bitch.

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He said, I said. [21 Mar 2005|06:36pm]
I said: you're not worthy of me.
He said: it's true. you are too good. i have to give up a lot for you.
I thought: that makes me not worthy of you, stupid.
I said: am I difficult?
He said: you are difficult to reason and manipulate.
I said: i'm difficult.
He said: you are complex, but that is not a bad thing.
I said: i'm messed up.
He said: you are not. you just went through difficult situations.

:)

I guess, that is what friends are for.
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Torn [06 Dec 2004|01:09pm]
[ mood | worried ]

"I thought I saw a man brought to life
He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
He showed me what it was to cry
Well you couldn’t be that man I adored
You don’t seem to know, don’t seem to care what your heart is for
But I don’t know him anymore
There’s nothing where he used to lie
My conversation has run dry
That’s what’s going on, nothing’s fine I’m torn

I’m all out of faith, this is how I feel
I’m cold and I am shamed lying naked on the floor
Illusion never changed into something real
I’m wide awake and I can see the perfect sky is torn
You’re a little late, I’m already torn

So I guess the fortune teller’s right
Should have seen just what was there and not some holy light
To crawl beneath my veins and now
I don’t care, I have no luck, I don’t miss it all that much
There’s just so many things that I can’t touch, I’m torn"

~Natalie Imbruglia~

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Remember World AIDS Day [30 Nov 2004|10:27pm]
[ mood | calm ]

Support World AIDS Day

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aloooo =) [18 Sep 2004|01:37pm]
alooooooooooo =) hehehe
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[28 Jun 2004|02:09am]
I'm uhm... homesick.... again.

My family is the closest thing to home. But I've friends that I've longed to see, the life that I left... I felt like it's unfinished. It's like a gap of unfulfilled emotions.

Even after living here for so long, I never really felt that this is where I belong. America is not my home.

I don't expect anyone to understand. I doubt that anyone will. They either don't understand me or they're out there to mock me.

It's just that...

we've grown so much.

Like si om said, "you just missed your ticket."

Yeah, sometimes I can be overly stupid.
I guess, this is my destiny a.k.a I give up.

capek.....
banget.....
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Summer and all... [16 Jun 2004|02:03pm]
Do things really could have been better if it had gone the other way?

Carpe diem and smell the flowers.
That's all I have to say :)

Schedule for Summer:
MCAT (medical college assessment test).
Hospital.
Poli Sci 20: World Politics.
Phil 8: Introduction to Logic.

Schedule for Fall:
Hospital.
Peer-mentoring.
Conversation Partners.
Habitat for Humanity.
Indo Club.
BIOCHEM 110A: General Biochemistry.
BIO 121: Microbiology.
PHIL 30-I: History of Modern Philosophy.
PHIL 134: Philosophy of Mind.

Say hello to the philosophy major :)
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Because, it's life. Life is a journey. [29 May 2004|10:36pm]
I'm fighting a different kind of battle. I thought about it. Both roads are equally green with grass. And perhaps, I am taking the one less travelled, but who knows for sure? One thing I know is that with staying, I'm fighting a different kind of battle. It's not my fear, but it's my character. I'm fighting against my habit, my nature, to be a better person. If I lost this battle, I'll regret staying for life.

To compensate for my not leaving, I'm changing my major to philosophy :) but I'm still a pre-med... I'm still taking the "horrendous" science classes that make us labelled as "nerds." In all honestly, the science majors are the ones who seem to be studying so much. Sometimes I just regret why I'm a science major... even Sara, my roommate says, "Tiffy, I think that you're more of a humanities major."

No, it's just that I don't put the effort to do my best in the sciences, like physics for example. But I still want to be a doctor, and I'll do whatever it takes to be one.

Yeah... I'm staying in UCR. They say that I'm stupid for not leaving to one of US top universities when I have the opportunity to.

Well, that is why. Because this is really the time when my character is put into test. Wish me luck.
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Bored I am.... [14 May 2004|01:06am]
Friday, May 14, 2004
Rainne Symphony (12:23:20 AM): i wanna go now now now now now!
Rainne Symphony (12:23:23 AM): nowwwwww
stunman007 (12:23:26 AM): man, you've had a long day
stunman007 (12:23:27 AM): haha
stunman007 (12:23:30 AM): you need to sleep

AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :( Life sux!!!!!!!

Have you ever felt ... a moment where everything feels like absolute harmony? Where it seems like the sun, moon and earth are in phase with one another and you could just live in that moment forever...

I had. Well, today is not like that! Today is like, everything goes wrong! I just want to be gulped down by the earth.

I want to cry... it's so overwhelming. I was being such a bitch to Quynnie today. Soon after, she found out that her grandmother is hospitalized. Great. I thought she was mad at me. Then I felt all bad... and ppl were just asking why I was so quiet. There's one thing with me and emotions. You can see it clearly on my face.

I yelled at mum again. I don't understand why I can be so immature. Why do I lose my cool so easily?

I don't understand why life is so unfair. Sometimes the effort that you put in and the result that comes out just don't balance out. Sometimes, life is just so hard..... and I just want to run home, where I know mum is going to be there and embraces me in her arms. I know I'm such a kid.

I wanna hug a little toddler forever... they're so cute!!!!!! :)
Never fails to make me smile, no matter how worried I am... like that time I was freaking out for a quiz, and I saw this little baby and I just forget everything. There's something in their smiles... make me so happy :)

Anyway... I should organize my life more. Organization. That's the key, but everything nowadays is so uncertain.... *sigh*

posted by Rainne Symphony @ 12:25:54 AM

Wednesday, May 12, 2004
You know how sometimes you wake up one morning and suddenly you realize that you don't know why you do the things that you do anymore? Midlife crisis. Is that what they call it?

I had those.

But today, it's different. Today I went to the Habitat meeting and I realize that there are some people who are just passionate about what they do. Sue Pope is her name. She inspires me. I mean, just stories like that makes me think back on why I joined Habitat at the first place...on why I wanted and still want to be a doctor. For a while, I just forgot the reasons of my actions. I lost motivation... but now I remember.

"Passion is contagious"

I remember the looks on the faces of the street children. I remember the faces of the homeless and amputated. I remember the neglected. They come back to me... and they're the reason why I'm here now.

They are who I am today. I know it's weird... I don't know why random people on the street can have such a great impact on me. It's like, am I born this way? Am I born to feel this way? I'm so different from everyone else in my family. I think differently, I act differently. They talked about me before...on why my thoughts are so different from everyone else's.

People who think that the murders of animals shouldn't be encouraged... people who want to do things because they love doing them... people who want to be doctors because they are willing to walk the extra mile to be there... people who notices the little things and lend a helping hand no matter what. People who aren't afraid of challenges. People with open hearts, idealistic dream and a realistic goal. People who value life and embraces it with open arms. People who aren't afraid to love... people who take risks. People who are spontaneous and know how to have fun, yet know his/her own limits. People who don't lie... people who admit their mistakes and not afraid to try again. People... who don't give up..... people who make others' lives, simply... beautiful just by being there :)

I want to meet them.......

There are people like that. I want to be like them :)

I'm inspired.

The sky is no longer dark... the sun is shining brightly... it's just after the rain.. look at the rainbow :) That's why I love rain... because of the joy it brings when it rains, and the legacy it leaves when it no longer stays. Rainbow :)

posted by Rainne Symphony @ 11:35:15 PM 0 comments

Lately, life has just been so..fast-paced. Sleep, wake up, new day. Sleep, wake up, new day. No more time to laugh, no more time to cry. No time to think...

Catch up with it before you lose out....

Sometimes, it makes me feel happy to know that people whom I haven't met in years, still think about me and call me occassionally. It's like, all these while.... I've been in their thoughts.

Now, I know how it feels to lose everything in a spur of the moment. Life without cell phone is like losing your loved ones, because there's no way you can contact them. Life without jacket, is like living in the artics. Life without being able to take a shower, is like ... gross. Life without books, is like... the hunger that can never be fulfilled.

That was what happened to me when there was the gas leak. I worried for Sara like crazy, but not as much as the Physics quiz that I had to take the next day. I worried for Physics more than...perhaps, my life. I didn't even think that it was bad. Until... I heard "Red Cross."

Red Cross.

Only comes at a time of disaster. So there it was......

I ditched OChem and Physics today. I know it's bad. I've such a bad feeling for this quarter. I never ditched that much in a quarter, especially for Physics. I'm failing, and if I were to pass, it'll be with a C. The highest grade I can get is a B, that's with an A on the final. I know it's my fault for not studying or doing the homework.

Don't ask me why.....

I'm just so lost these days. I'm just trying hard to catch up with life. So many things have been going through my mind. I've OChem midterm next week....

For once in the quarter, I nearly cried. I almost cried for something which I haven't cried in a very long time. Academic reasons. Yeah, there's no more guy... this time, academic IS my priority.

So God, please help me help myself.

posted by Rainne Symphony @ 1:13:00 PM
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....Vegetarian char xiu bao and dim sum.... [03 May 2004|11:17am]
Were what I had for breakfast. V.v.v.v interesting. I never had those before, even in my 6th year of vegetarianism. My mum packed me those. I dunno where she got those... but I just feel so touched. It's like, whenever she sees vegetarian food, she'd get them for me. Same goes to my grandma and my aunt. Being the only vegetarian in my family spoils me so much....

But it's not that. It's just the idea of being thought whenever they see something that reminds me of them. It's about the million calls from mom just to tell me that she misses me and that she's thinking of me. It's her thought of not wanting me to leave for Davis, and yet, it's her strength that supports my decision of wanting to visit it. This is what makes my mum strong. An admirable lady.

I've no doubt that all mums are like that, but she's my mum and she's the only person in this whole wide world who cares for me that much. I feel so loved. A love so strong that questioning it is only going to do harm. She told me numerous times that I'm the whole world to her.... At first, I was like, "psh..." but now, it brought tears to my eyes. Never ever take mum for granted. For twenty freakin' years she stands by me, letting me venture, get hurt, and yet still be there for me. For twenty freakin' years she works for the sake of me. She gave birth to me. She gave up her life for me. I don't know what I did to deserve this.... Thank you, God =)

I love my mum =)
Well, here goes to you, mum!!!
Thanks for the wonderful breakfast.....
I love you and I miss you =)
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22nd February 2004 [22 Feb 2004|03:54pm]
Jun called from Jakarta last night. We talked for more than an hour. I just realize how much we have grown. I've known him since he was 7. I've forgotten how much memories we share, until he said, "do you remember what Mrs. Leong taught us?" That was when we were in Singapore.

And everything just comes back to haunt me again

I want to go back and I need to go back. I want to reminisce on the old days...
because maybe that's the only thing that will make me happy. The memories that we hold. That'll be my sanctuary, where I don't feel the pain and the torment of the present world.

There too many things here that remind me of so much other crap. It's a chain reaction. Right now, I just need to go to a place where I can feel like home, where life is much more simpler and the days are longer, the nights are shorter. Everything here goes by too fast. I don't even have the time to think. The current carries me farther and farther away from the safety and comfort of home.

I wonder how is my dad. Does he miss us? Does he remember that it's lil' sis's birthday today? I need my mom. I'm such a kid. I need someone to assure me that everything is going to be okay. Someone I trust.

Maybe all I need is a vacation. Another opportunity to travel the world. Mom said that she's going back to Singapore in Spring but I can't go back with her because I need to take care of sis. She's sending me away summertime.... so that someone can take care of sis when I'm away. She's also planning on us going to China.

Yeah.. I need that. I can't wait.

Dinner with P'O in a couple of hours.

Can't wait either because I know that she'll lift my spirit up. She always does. Thanks, P

This is one of the things in life that I'm really grateful for.
Thank goodness for that.

PS: I love you so much, sis

TAke care, world!
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One Rainy Day..... [21 Feb 2004|11:32pm]
I don't know abt the hiatus anymore. Coz this is the place where I go if no one is there to listen. This must be record breaking..... not even a day and I'm back.

I guess that I still do like him.
I try so hard to keep him away from my life.
Something gotta happen to keep us apart.
We're not together, yet we're not apart.
I hate being stuck in between.
I need to get away from it all.
Everything here reminds me of him...
even my pillow.....

I need to concentrate on my studies.
Enough of this crap.
I don't need a guy to live.
But I'll need a stable job to survive...
I need to fulfil my goals and dreams.
I need someone I can trust my heart to.
I need someone who will be there for me...
for the support, and for the strength to go on in life.

He was my pillar of support.
He was always there....
He built my hopes and dreams.
He made me feel happy...

I've a headache.

Maybe things are changing now.
Isn't this what I've longed?

Just for us to be apart........

.....I was happy for a while, but now everything is just in black and white....

My favorite mood..... but not enough to make me smile.

Maybe I just need to find a haven.
A place where I can get in touch with myself.
In the woods....
In the pastures...
In the sea..
In the mountains.....

anywhere but here.

It's stressing me out.

Maybe no one understands.....
Maybe no one knows......
but for those who do,

I really thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I just want to know that I'm not alone in this.

I can't go through it alone........
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In the mean time..... [23 Jan 2004|04:12am]
you are turquoise
#40E0D0

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well.

Your saturation level is higher than average - You know what you want, but sometimes know not to tell everyone. You value accomplishments and know you can get the job done, so don't be afraid to run out and make things happen.

Your outlook on life is bright. You see good things in situations where others may not be able to, and it frustrates you to see them get down on everything.
the spacefem.com html color quiz


Hi =) Happy Lunar New Year!!! =)
hehe update deh yah...

This quarter Winter 2004, I'm taking:
Physics 2B
Physics 2B (lab)
ORganic Chemistry 112B
Organic Chemistry Lab *Dican!!!!!!* hehe tiap kali ada chem, reminds me of you!! =P
Psychology 1
AIDS, HIV and the Medical Professional
Total units: 17

Hm...still liking the same guy... too much drama. Makin pusing sendiri, bingung sendiri, minder sendiri & error sendiri. Terusnya... the rest you can view it here:

www.xanga.com/symphony

Take care, all =) I miss yah!!!
dd Jul =) Tengkiu!!!!!!
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Desiderata [18 Sep 2003|04:46pm]
Go placidly amid the noise and the haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and the ignorant, they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter; for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let not this blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore, be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams; it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.


--- Max Ehrmann, 1927
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=) [18 Sep 2003|04:32pm]
Nice, kind people we get to know throughout our lives. Their acts may be small and harmless, and they may not mean much, but all of these are blessings from God. Many little uncountable blessings.
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